How to identify and escape (or avoid) toxicity, victimhood, and other types of dysfunctional relationships.
Someone says something degrading or disrespectful, the other person reacts, an argument ensues, tension rises, a conflict arises in which words are thrown back and forth, and in the end, no one is the wiser and everyone feels bad.
The same dance every time, the same pattern over and over, as if someone pressed play and replayed the scene, preceded by a haunting feeling that said, “Here we go again…” — Everyone knows these kinds of predictable situations.
Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or someone at the grocery shop, you can easily get sucked into a drama triangle. The drama triangle is a model developed by Stephen Karpman that shows the game we play during an argument, dispute, or conflict: we unconsciously take on the role of victim, rescuer, or accuser.
Everyone has a preference for a certain role (based on past examples and experiences), but it is not fixed, it depends on the situation and the role played by the other(s) in the triangle.
For example, someone can see themselves as a victim and act as if everything is out of their hands, they are helpless and complain they are having a hard time and do not know what to do (when in fact it’s obvious), hoping someone will take the bait (hence the toxic sign) a rescuer, typically a caring individual is triggered to help — “Oh poor thing, let me do it!”. All’s well that ends well, right? Wrong!
The rescuer provides temporary relief; the situation does not change because the victim does not take responsibility for their problem. Instead, the situation continues to worsen and resentment comes into play (on both sides).
After a while, nothing changes and the victim begins to blame the rescuer, “You said you could solve my problems!,” and shifts from victim to accuser; the rescuer feels mistreated and cries, “I only wanted to help!” and changes into the role of victim.
The drama triangle can (and should) be avoided by not accepting invitations from victims, rescuers, or accusers. Invitations are triggers that make you feel like you need to act, such as a backhanded remark or accusation that isn’t true and makes you defensive, sometimes helping someone unasked, out of pity.
By recognizing the drama triangle and becoming aware of your role in it, you can consciously choose to step out of it — this is by far the easiest solution, just do not spend any more time on it — or you can choose to play a counter role and step into the winner or empowerment triangle (dynamic).
The triangle of winners switches roles, the victim becomes a problem solver. Instead of whining and complaining, they seek (professional) aid for their difficulties and take responsibility for their decisions, thoughts, and actions.
The persecutor (accuser), constantly pointing the finger, instead offers constructive criticism and shows vulnerability by pointing out they need help (same as the victim) thus becoming the challenger.
The rescuer doesn’t do tasks for the victim, but gives instructions and asks questions to help the victim become active and learn to catch his own fish, like a coach, without overstepping his/her bounds or those of the “victim”.
The drama game is not only a waste of time and energy, it also drains the happiness of those involved, nobody benefits, everyone loses. That’s why it’s essential to recognize the triangles in your life and get out of them ASAP!
You can better invest that precious time and energy in achieving your goals and spending it with positive-minded people, increasing your happiness, prosperity, and enjoyment of life.
The less drama, the more fun life is and the easier it is. And now that you understand and recognize the drama triangle, you can always escape it or avoid it, it’s always in your hands.
Thanks for reading! This is the first of 100 articles I want to publish on Medium in 2022, hence the #1 — Follow, Support, Share, It’s All Gravy.
